You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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