I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
