You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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