Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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