Your dad touched me again.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
