he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
