So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
