I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
