I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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