i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
