gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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