My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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