And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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