I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
