Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
