I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
