First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
