Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
