Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
