I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
