she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
