i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My life is pants optional.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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