Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
