My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
