I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
