saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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