Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
