Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
