how can u be prego again
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
