I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
