these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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