We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
