It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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