apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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