Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
