I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
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