well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
