Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
