Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
