Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
