Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Someone came in the potted fern
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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