so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
