you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
