I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
farters have to be the big spoon...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We are all done wearing pants today
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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