We won't sleep together?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Acid is not a monday night drug
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
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