Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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