I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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