Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
