Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
