Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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