i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
