I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
