i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
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THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
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If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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