we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We need to rekindle our bromance
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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