At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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