So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
