I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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